I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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