i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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