i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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