so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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