I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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