Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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