Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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