Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
