College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize