I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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