stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
