I just gift wrapped bread.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
