the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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