its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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