so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
do herpes really smell.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
