so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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