apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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