Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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