Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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