Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
