theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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