if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
