I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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