The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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