My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
