she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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