Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
