drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
