Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
