and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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