If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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