My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
cat food counts as protein by the way
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
