When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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