Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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