No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
