In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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