i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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