This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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