it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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