Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
