im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
