Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
