I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
