My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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