I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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