Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
