the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
