Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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