By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
