Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
