so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
