Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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