it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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