I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
