I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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