i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
