my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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