Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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