Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
