i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
