I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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